So….I am at that place where anxiety wants to take root. I seem to have this pattern…when thinks are not working out, I am absolutely confident that God is protecting me and providing for me. However, when things start to work out, I become a bundle of nerves. My absolute faith in God doesn’t change…it is me I am most concerned about…”Please don’t mess up.” I always worry that I will do something to displease God. I know…I am a mess.
But…during this time I become even closer to God. I talk to Him even more about what about me is making me anxious. I become so co-dependent on Him. The good thing is…He doesn’t mind (unlike humans, He can handle it and treasures this relationship). In a nutshell…my confidence is not found in myself but in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. God is my nerves destroyer.
HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!
A few days ago, I had a dream that has been weighing on my heart. In the dream, I did something I knew I wasn’t suppose to do. When I shared the dream with my close friend/older sister, she shared that, to her, the dream meant that no matter what I did God would protect me and never leave me. This did not give me much comfort though, as the dream was symbolizing something God had been working on me for a long time…giving all control to Him. In the dream, it seemed I was taking that control back (even if reluctantly).
This makes me nervous, even more so since I started getting the flashing green light. The bottom line…I do not want to mess things up with God again…although I know He will show mercy and give me His grace…I do not want to be disobedient. So I did what I knew best to do in these anxious situations…I prayed…then I got my comfort and peace.
Even though I really want to embark on the next chapter of this journey (green light)…I have to also be vigilant not to regain the position of being in the driver’s seat. The driver’s seat of my life belongs permanently to God, my Father/DADDY.
Yes, there is a flashing green light before the steady green light. The good news is that God is allowing me to now see His works in motion…I am no longer in the waiting room…my name was called and I am now heading to His office to receive my mission…Hallelujah!!!
The flashing green light is also an anxious moment for me as I do not want to get in God’s way…not wanting to be disobedient or hasty. So I have to continue to be vigilant (while praying without ceasing, with thanksgiving) as I remain hopeful and allow my faith to grow.
The flashing green light is like the flickering of light you see when walking towards the end of the tunnel. Thank You, DADDY, for being with me while I was in the tunnel, for helping me to be obedient, hopeful, and faithful. Thank You for being my sword and shield, my provider, and my bestfriend. I know You will remain the same to me (never changing, ever faithful) outside of the tunnel (steady green light).
Hello 2018!!!! First post for the new year.
Lately, I have been reflecting on the last 3 years…Am I here because I lost my way? Where did I go wrong? Was I being disobedient at any time? Am I being punished? How can I get back on the right track? Why am I being left behind? Am I forgotten? Why did you leave? Why didn’t I get that position? If things had gone how I wanted them to, then would things have worked out differently/better for me?
Thankfully, God gave me the answer to all these questions. For the last 3 years, I have not lost my way…I was finding my way. It was about not what I wanted for myself BUT what He wanted for me. This path I am walking on (although it may seem different from yours) is one that was chosen for me by my FATHER, who loves me dearly and wants the best for me. With the green light flashing…another stage in this journey is about to begin…where I will walk and not become weary and run and not faint…because I went through this process of finding my way well.
This is the last post of 2017…it has been a year to remember.
Prior to April 2017 when I started to share my journey with you, I was facing fear every single day, to the point I would pray to stay sleeping until my green light appeared. Of course, God woke me up to face each day with Him…and trust me on this…I could not have survived without Him. Later in the year, I began thinking “Why am I so afraid?” Why am I afraid of what the devil might do to me? Isn’t the devil AFRAID of God? So why am I afraid of the devil?
Answer, the one I should fear is God, since He is the one the devil fears. This answer gave me such peace and the strength to face each day bravely. The One who treasures me the most and placed me on this path is the MOST POWERFUL…so whom shall I fear?
For the past few days I have been grappling with feelings of jealousy. Now, jealousy is something I do not like to feel as it can become a gateway to other negative emotions. Nevertheless, I must accept the fact that I am feeling jealous…jealous of good things happening for others around me, while I am still in this place. The amazing thing that happened is that I shared these feelings with God and so many friends and family have sent me encouraging words and scriptures, even though I shared nothing with them. Isn’t my God amazingly AWESOME!!!
Now with these jealous feelings, did I get discouraged, lost my faith, became less hopeful…NO. As I shared with my sibling today, it is not clarity on what my destiny is I am waiting on from God…it is the when will the next stage occur…when will the tunnel end. I have to just continue to be still/patient until He fulfills His plans for me. I did remind Him that He has not forgotten me 🙂
Even though God may do things that makes me feel uncomfortable, He is also my source of comfort. In my younger years, I always wanted someone to accompany me to places. However, I was most times…or always…forced to go alone (“You came into the world alone…lol..:( ). Not surprisingly, I started getting use to being alone. Was I really alone though? NO, I wasn’t…I had always asked God to go with me. A recent reflection brought this to my attention. I have been to new places, experienced some new and painful things…through it all I was alone but never alone. The faith and trust I placed in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were my source of comfort. They made me feel very comfortable. For me, this sense of comfort is synonymous to peace. I am peaceful/comfortable in the midst of chaos or uncertainty.
Thank You, DADDY, for being my permanent source of comfort. Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
With this knowledge, how can I not be at peace or be comfortable. NOTHING IS A SURPRISE TO HIM, who loves me.